Stand by me, monologue

English Monologue.
Teddy Duchamp

Looking back at when I was 12, remembering how I wanted so bad to get into the army, when I thought my dad was my ultimate hero.
I was so stupid and naïve.
I thought kids like Chris and Gordie were the kind of kids that were always somewhere, I thought every kid would be nice enough to pull me off the train tracks when I tricked myself into be invincible, when I really just wanted that train to hit me.
I drifted away from them in middle school, when I saw how well they were doing so I went with it all by myself. Dad ended up leaving me when I got to the end of 10th grade, I haven’t heard from him since; I guess it’s better that way things were beginning to get out of hand at home, he was getting more violent, I’m glad he’s gone now that I think about it going home was hell every night even if he wasn’t there all the time i had a feeling of dread and fear every time I had to face him. I tried to get into the army 3 times, they told me I wasn’t able enough and pretty much told me that I wasn’t wanted or good enough for them so I joined the other batch of guys that weren’t wanted either.

we pretty much got screwed up, we drank as much alcohol as we could, we thought somehow we could forget that we weren't good enough and try and get to the point where we were drunk enough to not feel anything at all.  and ransacked the town. I regret that night now, we ended up robbing some store and getting caught, I felt exactly like my father right then and there, like a complete asshole never thinking about what I’m doing and just being driven by my anger, just like he did to me; I payed for it though; 2 years in jail and now I’m out on parole, now I’m doing what work that comes my way in Castle Rock since no one wants to hire a criminal; I don’t even know what the rest of the boys are doing. Vern probably got married, hell they’re probably all married and have jobs and kids that are going who go to school and get told not to turn out like people like me, the people they see pushing the trollies at supermarkets, when they go home their parents tell them they’re going to end up like those people that live on the streets, people like me; when they don’t want to do their homework.
I know all that is true and I don’t want to be that person anymore, I don’t want to be that person people point and insult or keep calling “that duchamp kid” it degrades me more that I’m used to being degraded.

But who am I kidding, I’m never not going to be that person, I’m going to be that person that people will tell others about but never want to actually talk to because they know that I’m not a ‘normal’ person, I’ve been in jail, I have no job, I’ve had an abusive dad, I found a dead body
to everyone else I am nothing.
to my dad I was nothing
to my friends now I am nothing, but a fragment in their memory
to the public I am absolutely nothing but a nuisance and unwanted.

I don’t even know why it’s taken this long to sink in, It should have hit me when I was 12, I should have been smarter and more observant I shouldn’t have reacted to people talking about my dad I should have missed my mum, I should and shouldn’t have done so many things and maybe I wouldn’t have turned out like I am.
Maybe I wouldn’t hate myself so much.

Absence

As Melbourne has turned from winter into spring the weather has turned into absolutely lovely. Someone once said that there is no such thing as the cold it's just an absence of heat, the same goes for light.
It makes me think that this might be the reason I am at my most happiest and content with the world because the heat has returned and saved me from the freezing winter of wear I was scared to go outside because I knew how cold it was, Now I can't wait.
There Is no dark only an absence of light.
There Is no cold only an absence of heat.

I am.

I am the grass.
I am the trees.
I am fresh.
I am clean.
I am safe.
I am free.
I am unappreciated.
I am the leaves you see.
I am In people's eyes.
I am reassurance.
I am everything that Is okay.
I am creativity. 

People can be like poetry

Sometimes I meet people that are like poetry.

I don't know much about them, they seem to be made out of little bits of string with frayed ends that once held a full untold story.
Like poetry they aren't full sentences explaining the plot, they are bits of sentences that lead to another story.

I have met people like this and I have been told that to other people I can appear like this. I have a friend and together we're like two authors of the same bit of poetry. We know about each other and what we are writing but when we are together people can't seem to understand us and we turn into string with frayed ends because we know so much of one another but no one knows about us.

Maybe there Is hope for the world

Now more than ever everyone in the world around us lives with people who have felt pain weather it be large or small. We have almost the highest amount of people suffering from mental illness such as depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder.

these are illnesses that people suffer and have to struggle with everyday, dealing with the world evolving around you while your world is stuck in a rut of an illness is not easy because so many of the people who are around you will miss interpret what is going on with your personality and blame you for pointless things and call you lazy.

The people taking this everyday are stronger than the Hulk even, I believe when these people suffering from this pain now grow up to be people who are the most kind hearted there could be, there might be hope for the world after all with the people suffering pain now can change the minds of the narrow minded people now and even after us. If one person who has felt immense pain growing up becomes a parent of any kind, the would not want that child to feel the pain they did, making the child another kind hearted person. I believe the teenagers and general people of this generation will grow up to have this effect on the world. Making Hope possible.

This Is me cosplaying the character Ciel Phantomhive. He is one of my most favorite cosplays simply because of his character. The back story to him is that when the boy is ten years old he witnesses his parents burn in a fire that took him mansion with it, He fled from the fire but then got into some trouble because be was of noble birth, This all set around the last 1800's early 1900's. Ciel return's back to his mansion along with a butler dressed in black. The butler was given the name Sebastian by Ciel and was to keep the secret that he was a demon. Ciel's Parents's death was truly a murder and with the Phantomhive family being the "Queen's guard dog" Ciel makes it his goal to find and kill his parent's murderers. His contract with Sebastian because he is a demon is that after Sebastian is to help Ciel he is to take his soul.

There are many things about Ciel I relate to in his personality and other things, He wil always be one fo my favorites.

A little story

once upon a time a young girl started running.
With running came lying.
With lying came a whole new life.

They young girl has another world just for her in her head, It is much like reality but it is twisted where she could control everything.
what she looked like.
what she heard and saw.
what she did.
what everyone else did.

She was an author of her own story, Only she read the story. If anyone else tried they would not be able to understand at all.
She would be the only one who could ever understand, after all she was the author was she not?

Fantasy and reality slipped away from the girl all together as she faded in and of what they called "society"

For anyone who reads this

So for anyone who reads this I thought it would be good for you to get to now me a bit.

First of all I'm a cosplayer, Cosplay is short for 'costume play' I basically dress up as any character from anything (eg. 11th Doctor- Doctor Who) and I go to Conventions in Melbourne such as Supanova Expo and Oz Comic Con, I have photo shoots when I can for the cosplays. I make a majority of them and it takes a very long while and a lot of effort.

The characters I've cosplayed are:
-Japan (Axis Power Hetalia)
-TARDIS (Doctor Who)
-Deidara (Naruto Shippuden)
-Ciel Phantomhive (kuroshitsuji)
-Princess Zelda (The Legend of Zelda, Twilight princess)

Every character I cosplay has a meaning to me for example Princess Zelda is a character I have loved since I was very little because no matter what she looked like she was still a female character that was shown off to have no talent but then by the end of the game she had already helped her hero Link save the land of Hyrule and ended up being one of the most important characters in time game helping save her land from Ganondorf .

This blog will have some quite dark writing on it along with my cosplays, when I say dark I mean basically I'm dressed to depress. be ready to see me go from high to low.