English Monologue.
Teddy Duchamp
Teddy Duchamp
Looking back at when I was 12, remembering how I wanted so bad to get into the army, when I thought my dad was my ultimate hero.
I was so stupid and naïve.
I thought kids like Chris and Gordie were the kind of kids that were always somewhere, I thought every kid would be nice enough to pull me off the train tracks when I tricked myself into be invincible, when I really just wanted that train to hit me.
I drifted away from them in middle school, when I saw how well they were doing so I went with it all by myself. Dad ended up leaving me when I got to the end of 10th grade, I haven’t heard from him since; I guess it’s better that way things were beginning to get out of hand at home, he was getting more violent, I’m glad he’s gone now that I think about it going home was hell every night even if he wasn’t there all the time i had a feeling of dread and fear every time I had to face him. I tried to get into the army 3 times, they told me I wasn’t able enough and pretty much told me that I wasn’t wanted or good enough for them so I joined the other batch of guys that weren’t wanted either.
I was so stupid and naïve.
I thought kids like Chris and Gordie were the kind of kids that were always somewhere, I thought every kid would be nice enough to pull me off the train tracks when I tricked myself into be invincible, when I really just wanted that train to hit me.
I drifted away from them in middle school, when I saw how well they were doing so I went with it all by myself. Dad ended up leaving me when I got to the end of 10th grade, I haven’t heard from him since; I guess it’s better that way things were beginning to get out of hand at home, he was getting more violent, I’m glad he’s gone now that I think about it going home was hell every night even if he wasn’t there all the time i had a feeling of dread and fear every time I had to face him. I tried to get into the army 3 times, they told me I wasn’t able enough and pretty much told me that I wasn’t wanted or good enough for them so I joined the other batch of guys that weren’t wanted either.
we
pretty much got screwed up, we drank as much alcohol as we could, we
thought somehow we could forget that we weren't good enough and try and
get to the point where we were drunk enough to not feel anything at all.
and ransacked the town. I regret that night now, we ended up robbing
some store and getting caught, I felt exactly like my father right then
and there, like a complete asshole never thinking about what I’m doing
and just being driven by my anger, just like he did to me; I payed for
it though; 2 years in jail and now I’m out on parole, now I’m doing what
work that comes my way in Castle Rock since no one wants to hire a
criminal; I don’t even know what the rest of the boys are doing. Vern
probably got married, hell they’re probably all married and have jobs
and kids that are going who go to school and get told not to turn out
like people like me, the people they see pushing the trollies at
supermarkets, when they go home their parents tell them they’re going to
end up like those people that live on the streets, people like me; when
they don’t want to do their homework.
I know all that is true and I don’t want to be that person anymore, I don’t want to be that person people point and insult or keep calling “that duchamp kid” it degrades me more that I’m used to being degraded.
I know all that is true and I don’t want to be that person anymore, I don’t want to be that person people point and insult or keep calling “that duchamp kid” it degrades me more that I’m used to being degraded.
But
who am I kidding, I’m never not going to be that person, I’m going to
be that person that people will tell others about but never want to
actually talk to because they know that I’m not a ‘normal’ person, I’ve
been in jail, I have no job, I’ve had an abusive dad, I found a dead
body
to everyone else I am nothing.
to my dad I was nothing
to my friends now I am nothing, but a fragment in their memory
to the public I am absolutely nothing but a nuisance and unwanted.
to everyone else I am nothing.
to my dad I was nothing
to my friends now I am nothing, but a fragment in their memory
to the public I am absolutely nothing but a nuisance and unwanted.
I
don’t even know why it’s taken this long to sink in, It should have hit
me when I was 12, I should have been smarter and more observant I
shouldn’t have reacted to people talking about my dad I should have
missed my mum, I should and shouldn’t have done so many things and maybe
I wouldn’t have turned out like I am.
Maybe I wouldn’t hate myself so much.
Maybe I wouldn’t hate myself so much.
